No doubt you will have seen that our dear leader plans to grace the presence of some lucky do-gooders, and do a week of voluntary work during the summer break. But I have some questions for him:
If you were so worried about it being seen as a publicity stunt, why did you allow the information to seep out, and then confirm it? When Johnny Depp gave £1 million to Great Ormond Street and dressed up as Jack Sparrow for he sick kids he just did it, and the information slowly came out. He didn't issue press releases or whinge about it being seen as a publicity stunt. He did something nice, and eventually we heard about it. You're telling us you're doing something nice in advance, while expressing disappointment that we know about it.
If you are doing anything involving children or vulnerable adults, I trust you have had a CRB check and that everything is in order? I also trust that you waited your turn, and weren't branded with anything nasty like these poor people.
Are you doing anything involving phones? Because if you are, I'd advise that you try not to smash any of them against walls, that you don't call up random members of the public in the wee hours, and that you don't start regurgitating tractor statistics when people in need of help start telling you how difficult it is to find a job and make ends meet.
Since this is going to be done in private, I assume there will be absolutely no more information released, and that you won't be referring to it in the future as part of another tragic attempt to look normal?
If you do start to release such information, can you assure us that you're working for a legitimate organisation or group, and that some Labour activists haven't just been rounded up and told to play volunteers for a week to make you look good?
Osborne Lands Job Number 7
3 hours ago