Friday, June 05, 2009

Worst Cabinet Of All Time?

I suppose it makes sense that the certified worst Prime Minister in history has constructed the most useless, pathetic and untalented Cabinet of all time; it's just a shame for all of us that it had to happen when we are alive. The more choice individuals:

Prime Minister - Gordon Brown

The psychotic, hateful, one-eyed, delusional son of the manse himself. Often talks of his Presbyterian upbringing, which is actually an anagram of 'betray sniper' - something I hope he'll do in the very near future.

Chancellor of the Exchequer - Alistair Darling

Once thought to be a decent man in a tough job, now exposed as a dick making a hash of it. Flipped his second home more times than a McDonalds employee does burgers, and charged the public to do his tax return. Also got to pick his own Cabinet position, which is nice. Oh, and he's a tax dodger.

Foreign Secretary - David Miliband

Also got to pick his own job. Achievements to date include looking like an idiot while holding a piece of fruit and pissing off the leaders of India. He also appears to cut his own hair and seems incapable of growing a proper moustache.

Home Secretary - Alan Johnson

A man who once admitted he was not capable of being Prime Minister is rewarded for his honesty with one of the four Great Offices of State. Is too stupid to realise that taking this job taints him during the leadership campaign that will occur once Gordon has betrayed the sniper.

Business, Innovation and Skills Secretary - Lord Mandelson

The first of seven Lords in Gordon 'Power to the People' Brown's new Cabinet. Twice resigned from Government for being a sleazy bag of shit, and known throughout the world for being a sleazy bag of shit. Now also holds about three other titles as well - despite not being elected by anyone - and is believed to have convinced Adam and Eve that God's fruit is delicious.

Health Secretary - Andy Burnham

Only point of note during his time at the Culture, Media and Sport department was his desire to control the Internet like some sort of Socialist puppet master. Is believed to employ the same make-up techniques as Barbara Cartland, and is married to a woman with a ridiculous name.

Defence Secretary - Bob Ainsworth

Rumoured not to understand the difference between things that are really small and other things that are really far away, Ainsworth is famous for being the first Armed Forces Minister not to have a clue where our troops are or where they might be going. Is David Miliband's moustache coach, and was once mistaken for the cartoon man from the Inland Revenue adverts.

Leader of the House of Commons - Harriet Harman

Lunatic feminist who believes herself worthy of being Prime Minister solely on the grounds that she's a woman. Her career of ministerial ineptness behind her, Harman is laying low and waiting for Brown to set himself on fire. She will then piss the flames out with her mighty lady wee and take his place.

Environment, Food and Rural Affairs Secretary - Hilary Benn

Has enjoyed a relatively good life, despite being burdened with an insane father who he happens to share speech patterns with. Was appointed by mistake after Gordon Brown, taking Caroline Flint's criticisms to heart, believed he was a woman.

International Development Secretary - Douglas Alexander

Has kept his job by virtue of being Scottish, despite sucking spectacularly at everything he has ever attempted. Was blamed by Gordon Brown for the botched 'election that never was' in 2007 after the Prime Minister realised that he was a lot easier to bitch-slap than Ed Balls.

Communities and Local Government Secretary - John Denham

Moved from the now defunct Innovation, Universities and Skills Department, Denham made a name for himself by making a retarded decision over second degrees. Is believed to have absolutely no personality whatsoever.

Transport Secretary - Lord Adonis

Known to be hated by Gordon Brown for coming up with the Academy system for schools and for being a mate of Tony Blair, Adonis does not live up to his name when seen in the nude. Is ideally suited for the Transport brief as he travelled on a bus once.

Children, Schools and Families Secretary - Ed Balls

Finishing second to Joseph Goebbels in a competition to find the nastiest little shit ever to walk the face of the earth stung Balls at an early age. As odious and repulsive as he is obsequious, Balls remained in this job because the rest of the Cabinet hate him so fucking much they couldn't bare to see him promoted. Has been known to insert himself entirely up Gordon Brown's arsehole as a party trick.

Energy and Climate Change Secretary - Ed Miliband

Not content with copying Tony Blair's annoying speech patterns and smug tone of voice, the younger Miliband has also gone the extra mile and shortened his not particularly posh name to something folksy and charming. Used to wrestle his brother for the opportunity to take girls to the Fabian Society. The loser had to cut his own hair.

Northern Ireland Secretary - Shaun Woodward

Quite possibly the richest MP, Woodward is entirely responsible for David Cameron being elected to Parliament. Because of this, and because he has a butler, Gordon Brown keeps him locked in a small box under his desk, feeding him sliced pieces of Jacqui Smith's bottom. Once visited his constituency but didn't like it very much.

Work and Pensions Secretary - Yvette Cooper

Known as much for her marriage to Ed Balls as for her famous Jimmy Clitheroe impression, Cooper is a classic example of someone who is clever in theory but not in actuality. Despite being loaded with degrees from prestigious universities, Cooper generally fails to give the impression that she actually understands anything she talks about. She and her husband surprised the medical establishment when the combination of their DNA didn't result in offspring that looked like the baby in Eraserhead.

Chief Secretary to the Treasury - Liam Byrne

Spurned on by a chance meeting with two individuals who didn't think he was a noxious little twat, Byrne first became an MP in 2004. Over the following five years he has established himself as one of those people who we'd prefer never to have come into politics. Is known for his dangerous driving habits, as well as the ability to invert his body in such a way as to enable him to kiss his own anus. In 2007 he stabbed an intern to death for bringing him an espresso instead of a cappuccino.

Minister for the Cabinet Office - Tessa Jowell

Is still around despite having been useless at every job she's had since Labour came to power. For that reason is believed to possess photos depicting Brown and Blair with their nipples chained together while hitting each other with toilet plungers. Tried to outrun Sebastian Coe when working on the Olympics bid, but fell over and broke her brain. Few people noticed.

Minister for Europe - Glenys Kinnock

Found at the bottom of the barrel, Kinnock is ideally suited to this role thanks to her years of experience selling Britain out as an MEP. The most memorable event in her life is believed to have been when she was dragged into the sea by a gigantic ginger tosser.

Scotland Secretary - Jim Murphy

Has the job by virtue of being Scottish. Is known for doing charity runs to disguise the fact that he's a smug little turd. One described the Conservative Party as 'irrelevant' in the House of Commons. Is hotly tipped for the new position of Minister for Things That Come Back to Bite You on the Arse.

Culture, Media and Sport Secretary - Ben Bradshaw

Is one of the few Cabinet members who you won't be able to picture in your mind, even if you close your eyes and think really hard. Was a particularly disastrous Health Minister, having told people needing dental work to visit their GPs, spoken in favour of parking charges at hospitals, and being the only person on the planet who thought the NHS computer system worked really well.

Wales Secretary - Peter Hain

Epitomising the total lack of options available to Gordon Brown, Hain returns to the Cabinet after spending four months in an oven, covered in a honey glaze. Has been given the Welsh Office to run because it doesn't involve any money, and is therefore perfect for a man who doesn't seem to understand where it comes from or where it goes.


King Athelstan said...

Havent stopped laughing yet.

The Raven said...

Ta - I try :)

Tory Poppins said...

Genius! An hilarious read! ;-)

The Raven said...

Updated, with added Yvette Cooper.