Tuesday, June 30, 2009

ID Cards - Apparently Not Jacqui's Fault

Today Alan Johnson announced that ID Cards will no longer be compulsory, which means that pretty much nobody will get one. The scheme is effectively dead. But never missing an opportunity to deflect blame, Johnson also said the Government should never have allowed "the perception to go around that they were a panacea for terrorism."

Maybe so, but doesn't this comment rather suggest this was some sort of rumour that the Government failed to stop - rather than it being the Government's fault? Here's Jacqui in May: "ID cards will deliver real benefits to everyone, including increased protection against criminals, illegal immigrants and terrorists."

Pretty unequivocal, I think.

I should also point out that their stupid little 'fine you £1,000 if your eye colour is wrong on it' database is very much going ahead.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Hilary Benn Found Dead

Police are searching for a one-eyed son of a manse today after Environment Secretary Hilary Benn was found dead - cut in half, and shoved into a dustbin. It is believed the last people to see Benn alive were BBC radio employees as he guested on Any Questions, saying:

"When times are tough you need to tighten your belt... If I look at my department's budget, it is going to go down a bit and therefore we will have to prioritise."

Monday, June 22, 2009

Elected For The Wrong Reasons - Bercow Now Has To Prove Himself

And so John Bercow has been elected as the next Speaker of the House of Commons, beating fellow Conservative Sir George Young by a margin of 322-271.

It is one of the worst kept secrets in politics that Bercow has long desired to be the Speaker. As early as 2005, there were rumours of him cosying up to Labour MPs - safe in the knowledge that with enough Labour votes he could frustrate the Conservatives as much as he liked. Watching him nodding along to Tony Blair in the Commons was just one of many attempts to get in Labour's good books, as were the cards and supportive letters known to have been sent. And all this was done while simultaneously speaking out against the line of his own party, and sitting on the biggest Conservative majority in the country.

And this is why he was elected today. Talk of him being a reformer comes only from his words and not his actions, and is also based largely on his age and various phantom reasons Labour MPs have created in order to justify voting for him. Bercow was elected today because Labour MPs wanted to stick it to the Tories - to give them one of their own as Speaker, but also the one they wanted least. Do not let any journalist or Labour MP get away with the lie that this was Labour putting aside party politics; this was party politics at its most gruesome and petty.

However, this does not mean Bercow cannot be a good Speaker. In his speech of thanks he made a promise to be impartial, and has already warmed up the language of reform. In fact, he may well prove to be an excellent Speaker, and genuinely capable of being nonpartisan, professional and respected. But those things are part of a reputation he now has to earn; they are not perks that come automatically with the position. He takes the role in the knowledge that he has been used as a political stick with which to beat his own party, and in more ways than one he is responsible for that. But with his election now confirmed, the fact is that Bercow now has to do the job to his utmost and make the reasons for his election an irrelevance. Because if he doesn't, his election will just be another sad episode in this current series of Parliamentary tragedies.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

For My Fellow Commuters

Just a reminder that the RMT members striking for the next 48 hours are doing so because they want a 5% wage increase and guaranteed job security in the middle of the recession, and because they want two LU employees reinstated who were fired for endangering passenger safety and alleged theft.

Saturday, June 06, 2009

Iraq Enquiry - Gordon Doesn't Give A Rat's Arse

The Telegraph is reporting that Gordon Brown is planning to launch an enquiry into the Iraq War, presumably as part of his latest political fightback. It is absolutely vital that at no point is he given credit for doing the right thing if this goes ahead which, based on his record of keeping his promises, isn't a certainty by any means. And the reason for this is because he has quite possibly the most spineless and uninterested voting record on this issue it is possible for an MP to have.

As you can see on the Public Whip website, Brown has voted just twice in 16 votes on the subject of an Iraq enquiry, and on both those occasions it was to prevent an enquiry from taking place. Some MPs have lower vote percentages on that site - as a result of voting against an enquiry on several occasions - but Brown's record typifies him. It shows he utterly indifferent to this issue, and when he is around to vote he does so in a way which will protect himself from criticism or investigation.

The man is a snivelling, two-faced coward, and don't let any journalist - or normal person, for that matter - be impressed if Gordon goes ahead and does the right thing.

D-Day Thoughts

Without entirely giving away my age, I'm two generations away from my family members who served and fought in WWII. One was in the WAAF, one was a Desert Rat, and one was a British soldier billeted with the French Resistance. The latter saw D-Day take place first-hand, and was haunted by the experience for the rest of his life.

I have learned a lot from the experiences they have relayed to me, and I still find myself overwhelmed when contemplating the sheer loss of life. Maybe I'm a wimp, but I just cannot picture myself dealing with the perils of war. The bravery involved in simply being part of such a conflict is something that I often feel is beyond me.

All those relatives are now deceased, though they all survived the war and lived to old age. But I have often pondered the fact that, knowing them as I did, they appear to have felt exactly the same way as I did before they were involved in the war. Those who served spent most of their time terrified, exhausted and surrounded by horrors few of us can contemplate. So as we honour and pay tribute the courage, the bravery and the sacrifices made by those who fought and died, I also think it is vital to remember them as people - as fellow human beings and not as simplified archetypes. In many ways that makes what they did even more astonishing, and is also why they must never be forgotten.

Gordon Brown - YouTube Loner

Above is a screenshot taken from the Number 10 YouTube page; the one with the really creepy videos of the Prime Numpty pretending to answer questions and doing his ghastly smile. As you can see, there is only one subscription listed on that page - and it's Peter Mandelson's BERR. By contrast, WebCameron has nearly 2000.

What I want to know is this? Does this mean that Number 10 has only subscribed to BERR, or that BERR is the only user to subscribe to Number 10? I suspect the latter, and confess I'm not really a YouTube person. But by not putting my weird face all over it like Gordon Brown, it's not like I'm pretending to 'get it' either.

Friday, June 05, 2009

Worst Cabinet Of All Time?

I suppose it makes sense that the certified worst Prime Minister in history has constructed the most useless, pathetic and untalented Cabinet of all time; it's just a shame for all of us that it had to happen when we are alive. The more choice individuals:

Prime Minister - Gordon Brown

The psychotic, hateful, one-eyed, delusional son of the manse himself. Often talks of his Presbyterian upbringing, which is actually an anagram of 'betray sniper' - something I hope he'll do in the very near future.

Chancellor of the Exchequer - Alistair Darling

Once thought to be a decent man in a tough job, now exposed as a dick making a hash of it. Flipped his second home more times than a McDonalds employee does burgers, and charged the public to do his tax return. Also got to pick his own Cabinet position, which is nice. Oh, and he's a tax dodger.

Foreign Secretary - David Miliband

Also got to pick his own job. Achievements to date include looking like an idiot while holding a piece of fruit and pissing off the leaders of India. He also appears to cut his own hair and seems incapable of growing a proper moustache.

Home Secretary - Alan Johnson

A man who once admitted he was not capable of being Prime Minister is rewarded for his honesty with one of the four Great Offices of State. Is too stupid to realise that taking this job taints him during the leadership campaign that will occur once Gordon has betrayed the sniper.

Business, Innovation and Skills Secretary - Lord Mandelson

The first of seven Lords in Gordon 'Power to the People' Brown's new Cabinet. Twice resigned from Government for being a sleazy bag of shit, and known throughout the world for being a sleazy bag of shit. Now also holds about three other titles as well - despite not being elected by anyone - and is believed to have convinced Adam and Eve that God's fruit is delicious.

Health Secretary - Andy Burnham

Only point of note during his time at the Culture, Media and Sport department was his desire to control the Internet like some sort of Socialist puppet master. Is believed to employ the same make-up techniques as Barbara Cartland, and is married to a woman with a ridiculous name.

Defence Secretary - Bob Ainsworth

Rumoured not to understand the difference between things that are really small and other things that are really far away, Ainsworth is famous for being the first Armed Forces Minister not to have a clue where our troops are or where they might be going. Is David Miliband's moustache coach, and was once mistaken for the cartoon man from the Inland Revenue adverts.

Leader of the House of Commons - Harriet Harman

Lunatic feminist who believes herself worthy of being Prime Minister solely on the grounds that she's a woman. Her career of ministerial ineptness behind her, Harman is laying low and waiting for Brown to set himself on fire. She will then piss the flames out with her mighty lady wee and take his place.

Environment, Food and Rural Affairs Secretary - Hilary Benn

Has enjoyed a relatively good life, despite being burdened with an insane father who he happens to share speech patterns with. Was appointed by mistake after Gordon Brown, taking Caroline Flint's criticisms to heart, believed he was a woman.

International Development Secretary - Douglas Alexander

Has kept his job by virtue of being Scottish, despite sucking spectacularly at everything he has ever attempted. Was blamed by Gordon Brown for the botched 'election that never was' in 2007 after the Prime Minister realised that he was a lot easier to bitch-slap than Ed Balls.

Communities and Local Government Secretary - John Denham

Moved from the now defunct Innovation, Universities and Skills Department, Denham made a name for himself by making a retarded decision over second degrees. Is believed to have absolutely no personality whatsoever.

Transport Secretary - Lord Adonis

Known to be hated by Gordon Brown for coming up with the Academy system for schools and for being a mate of Tony Blair, Adonis does not live up to his name when seen in the nude. Is ideally suited for the Transport brief as he travelled on a bus once.

Children, Schools and Families Secretary - Ed Balls

Finishing second to Joseph Goebbels in a competition to find the nastiest little shit ever to walk the face of the earth stung Balls at an early age. As odious and repulsive as he is obsequious, Balls remained in this job because the rest of the Cabinet hate him so fucking much they couldn't bare to see him promoted. Has been known to insert himself entirely up Gordon Brown's arsehole as a party trick.

Energy and Climate Change Secretary - Ed Miliband

Not content with copying Tony Blair's annoying speech patterns and smug tone of voice, the younger Miliband has also gone the extra mile and shortened his not particularly posh name to something folksy and charming. Used to wrestle his brother for the opportunity to take girls to the Fabian Society. The loser had to cut his own hair.

Northern Ireland Secretary - Shaun Woodward

Quite possibly the richest MP, Woodward is entirely responsible for David Cameron being elected to Parliament. Because of this, and because he has a butler, Gordon Brown keeps him locked in a small box under his desk, feeding him sliced pieces of Jacqui Smith's bottom. Once visited his constituency but didn't like it very much.

Work and Pensions Secretary - Yvette Cooper

Known as much for her marriage to Ed Balls as for her famous Jimmy Clitheroe impression, Cooper is a classic example of someone who is clever in theory but not in actuality. Despite being loaded with degrees from prestigious universities, Cooper generally fails to give the impression that she actually understands anything she talks about. She and her husband surprised the medical establishment when the combination of their DNA didn't result in offspring that looked like the baby in Eraserhead.

Chief Secretary to the Treasury - Liam Byrne

Spurned on by a chance meeting with two individuals who didn't think he was a noxious little twat, Byrne first became an MP in 2004. Over the following five years he has established himself as one of those people who we'd prefer never to have come into politics. Is known for his dangerous driving habits, as well as the ability to invert his body in such a way as to enable him to kiss his own anus. In 2007 he stabbed an intern to death for bringing him an espresso instead of a cappuccino.

Minister for the Cabinet Office - Tessa Jowell

Is still around despite having been useless at every job she's had since Labour came to power. For that reason is believed to possess photos depicting Brown and Blair with their nipples chained together while hitting each other with toilet plungers. Tried to outrun Sebastian Coe when working on the Olympics bid, but fell over and broke her brain. Few people noticed.

Minister for Europe - Glenys Kinnock

Found at the bottom of the barrel, Kinnock is ideally suited to this role thanks to her years of experience selling Britain out as an MEP. The most memorable event in her life is believed to have been when she was dragged into the sea by a gigantic ginger tosser.

Scotland Secretary - Jim Murphy

Has the job by virtue of being Scottish. Is known for doing charity runs to disguise the fact that he's a smug little turd. One described the Conservative Party as 'irrelevant' in the House of Commons. Is hotly tipped for the new position of Minister for Things That Come Back to Bite You on the Arse.

Culture, Media and Sport Secretary - Ben Bradshaw

Is one of the few Cabinet members who you won't be able to picture in your mind, even if you close your eyes and think really hard. Was a particularly disastrous Health Minister, having told people needing dental work to visit their GPs, spoken in favour of parking charges at hospitals, and being the only person on the planet who thought the NHS computer system worked really well.

Wales Secretary - Peter Hain

Epitomising the total lack of options available to Gordon Brown, Hain returns to the Cabinet after spending four months in an oven, covered in a honey glaze. Has been given the Welsh Office to run because it doesn't involve any money, and is therefore perfect for a man who doesn't seem to understand where it comes from or where it goes.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Mandy Spins Like Mad

Not just to keep Labour MPs in line, but to broaden the current crisis engulfing Labour into something cross-party, when it clearly isn't. From the Telegraph:

"Don't please, through your actions, make it any worse for the Labour Party than for the other parties who have all got to come to grips with this crisis affecting British politics."

Obviously he's talking about expenses. The problem, however, is that all the polls - with the exception of a rather fruity ComRes - have said that the Tories are actually doing okay on this issue - largely thanks to Cameron's leadership.

And the other, wider, problem is that this isn't really about expenses at all. It's about Labour picking the wrong man as their leader; it's about that man quite possibly being the worst Prime Minister in history; and it's about the public coming to realise that this government - whoever leads it - is morally, intellectually and politically bankrupt.

Purnell's Letter - I Smell 'Vision' Crap

So Purnell has gone - sideburns and all. While some, such as Danny Finkelstein are focusing on the comments he made about Gordon Brown's position in his resignation letter, I've noticed another very telling section. Depending on how you read it, it's either extraordinarily defeatist, or arrogant in the extreme:

"We therefore owe it to our country to give it a real choice. We need to show that we are prepared to fight to be a credible government and have the courage to offer an alternative future."

On one hand, you can read this as election talk. That he sees the party as needing to take a new direction and ask the people to chose whether they want New Old New Labour, or the Conservatives. Or, he is honestly of the opinion that it is the job of a sitting government to fight to be a 'credible' government, and to offer an 'alternative'. Just think what that sounds like for a moment. Am I the only person who hears shades of 'there will be no election because I want to set out my vision for Britain'?