Saturday, May 30, 2009

Gordon Surfaces To Talk Crap

Iain Martin of the Telegraph has been wondering whether Gordon Brown is still alive, since we haven't actually seen him for a couple of weeks. But today an article written by him - and I use the word 'article' loosely, since it's a mere 475 words - appeared in the Sun. And it all seems so very familiar. Article in full, with my comments in red:

I came into politics because I wanted to change the world. [Modesty at its best] I love this country and, like most British people, I’m proud of the way that we decide things democratically. [Like picking our Prime Minister?]

We've got no big history ['We've got no big history' - what sort of fucking grammar is that?] of extremism [I seem to recall an organisation called the IRA, but what the hell] in this country because our Parliament - the oldest in the world - has always been a symbol of how we decide things fairly together.
But our democracy has been discredited by the scandals of recent weeks — revelations that have made me furious because it seems some people have been serving themselves and not the public. [Like spending £6,000 of our money on a cleaner when you earn nearly £200,000 a year, and claiming the Additional Costs Allowance every year, despite having at least one grace and favour home since 1997?] So I’m determined to do whatever it takes to clean up politics. [Good - sack the Cabinet, resign and call an election]

I’ve moved quickly to take action, and there is no way that those who have defied the rules will be standing as Labour candidates at the next election. [No, you waited to see what the Conservatives would do, and then copied them, only not as well. Hence your stupid 'star chamber' idea which only looks at whether the rules were broken - a far narrower remit than the Conservative version. Since the rules were so vague and useless, the majority of Labour MPs will be let off the hook - despite the tough talk] But every single MP needs to reflect on what recent weeks have taught us — that the public feel bitterly let down by politics and they want politicians to be showing what we are doing to help them. [Actually, I think we'd much prefer to not see you stealing our money] The first thing is to clean up the system and for MPs to get back to their constituencies and face the public. [Go on then, lead by example]

But equally important is for my Labour MPs to explain to families and businesses what we are doing to fight back against the global recession. [Ahh, a subject change to your favourite hobby horse] I was pleased to be able to meet yesterday owners [Seriously, syntax?] of brand new cars who have been able to take advantage of the Labour Government’s new scrappage scheme for vehicles over ten years old. [The most important policy in a generation, surely?] Thirty-five thousand have taken up the offer in just a few weeks. [Yes, because Labour trailed it for ages before actually introducing it. What we have seen is an accumulation of people - come back to me in 6 months and tell me the numbers are just as high] The scrappage scheme is just one example of the things Government can do to give people a helping hand when times are tough. [People who find things so tough they still have money to buy a new car?] New help to give homeowners reassurance against the threat of repossession is another. [Do you mean this scheme? The one that precisely two households have taken up?]

That is the kind of thing that I and all Labour MPs came into politics for [You came into politics to earmark £285 million for two households and help people with mortgages? I thought you came into politics to change the world...] — and we need to make sure that every one of our constituents know what is on offer to help people through these difficult times. [But Tory constituents can go hang - right?]

But to restore lasting trust in politics we also need to change the House of Commons so we put the public in control and ensure MPs are closer to the people they represent. [I don't know whether this is another call for PR or what, but it's rather rich for you to suddenly notice the gulf between the public and politicians when you've spent the last 12 years trying everything within your power to widen it]

We need new powers at local level, like giving people powers to call to account their local councillors [And all this has precisely what to do with MPs? Nothing - it's just another gimmick to make people feel like they have power over their lives] or giving young people more influence on local budgets and services. [Why the hell do you think this would be a good idea?] Above all, we need changes that will allow Sun readers [Just Sun readers?] to better hold us to account as we focus on the big issues that matter to their lives — saving their jobs and houses [Unemployment is rising at record rates. Also, two households...] from the impact of the downturn, investing in good public services [And smothering them with red tape] and cracking down on crime. [Does anyone actually believe you are doing this anymore?]

Those are your priorities [Don't tell me what to think, please] and my priorities [No changing the world anymore, then?] , and this Government’s focus as we build Britain’s future. [Hopefully one which won't involve you at all]


CROWN said...

Like your comments. I'd have stuck in a few more expletives and a few more 'call an election now if you love democracy'

Brown is a commie and the last thing he wants is for us to have a say.

Bill Quango MP said...

What an excellent piece {your comments made it coherent. I had read it before without them and thought it was a cryptic crossword.
"We've got no big history,like giving people powers
3 across. 8 letters. B_L_S_ _T.

Especially liked the
"You came into politics to earmark £285 million for two households?"

The Raven said...

Mucho thanks.

Anonymous said...

I really think Gordon Brownarse has lost it now. He really needs to get signed into a psychiatric unit preferably for ever, hes a total and utter nutter!!! Please let's get this lot out NOWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!