Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Derek Simpson's Crazy Mind

Derek Simpson, General Secretary of trade union Unite and effective owner of the Labour Party, had this to say about Michael Martin's recent troubles:

"Michael Martin is a proud man with strong working class roots but this has made him a target for the silverspoon Tories who want a speaker schooled at Eton rather than a former sheet metal worker. They can't abide a working class man doing well. Michael has been at the receiving end of a string of unjustified attacks from the Tories. This witch-hunt must end. This is not just an attack on Michael but an attack on the working classes. The Tories remain true to form."

What he should have said is this:

"Michael Martin is a supremely unqualified man with a slow mind and a gigantic chip on his shoulder, which has made him a target for the Tories who want a speaker who isn't a Labour stooge. They can't abide a man spending £4,200 of taxpayers' money on his wife's taxi fares. Michael has been at the receiving end of a string of justified attacks from people who don't share his own outdated views on the British class system. The career of this useless man must end. This is not just an attack on Michael but an attack on all the over-promoted Labour shills who are doing all they can to destroy this country's institutions. The Tories remain pretty darn awesome."

And what he was actually thinking is this:

"Michael Martin is a proud man with strong working class roots, and this automatically makes him a better person than the silverspoon Tories because I'm a bitter man with plates of chips on all my joints. People who go to Eton are scum and should be forced to eat my shit. I'm not jealous. People should only be allowed to do manual labour, and that will become a reality once I have fully exerted my now unrivaled influence on the Labour Party. Tories can't abide a working class man doing well, and I love it when the upper classes suffer. This is a perfectly consistent position which shows me to be a nice, caring person, and the Tories to be bastards. Michael has been at the receiving end of a string of unjustified attacks from the (again, bastard) Tories. This witch-hunt must end, but I will continue to mention Eton every five minutes. This is not just an attack on Michael but an attack on the working classes, so rise up my Communist brothers and cast the Tories out from their palaces of gold and exotic women! The Tories remain true to form because class is all that matters to them. But not to me; I don't care about it at all."

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